


Recovery

by especiallythezefronposter



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-29
Updated: 2013-11-11
Packaged: 2017-12-27 23:11:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 11,932
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/984764
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/especiallythezefronposter/pseuds/especiallythezefronposter
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Clint keeps telling himself he hates Loki, wants him dead more than anything, but when Loki returns to Midgard that proves to be not entirely true.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Clint wasn't that drunk. When he pointed the arrow, he only saw one target, and it wasn't blurry. He could see the exact spot where he would hit it if he let the string go: a black pupil, surrounded by a green iris and shrunken by fear. He was just as focused as he usually was, could barely see anything else than the tears welling up in that eye, knowing that arrow was the last thing it would ever see.

No, Clint wasn't drunk, but then why was he seeing Loki Laufeyson in an alley in Manhattan? Thor had taken him to Asgard months ago and had told them when he returned that Loki was imprisoned for at least a thousand Midgardian years.

Clint had to be drunk. Loki couldn't be here. There hadn't been any unsolved murders in the last months, weeks or even days, no unexplainable disappearances, strange robberies or unusual events. Nothing to announce the arrival of an evil Asgardian deity.

And then the eye the arrow as pointing at closed, letting a lone tear roll down a pale cheek. Clint followed the tear's trace with his eyes, until it stopped against a dark metal object. It took a moment before he could place it. It looked much like the thing that had covered Loki's mouth when he and Thor had returned to Asgard, but it was slightly different, even though Clint couldn't say what that difference was. Loki wore gloves made out of the same metal as the thing covering his mouth and Clint could tell from the way he held both hands in exactly the same position and how he supported himself clumsily on the asphalt of the alley that the metal couldn't move, his hands molded into unusable claws. When he looked closer he saw that the fingertips were covered in blood, just like the skin around the metal facemask, as if he had tried to take it off so desperately he had wounded himself, even though the skin had already healed. 

He was paler than Clint remembered, paler than any living person -god or no god- he had ever seen. With his closed, purple-circled eyes and his unmoving chest, he looked like he was dead, but his muscles were too tense and Clint could see his heart beating in the spot underneath his chin, fast and stammering. 

Loki wore a white shirt and black pants, both covered in blood and dirt. No shoes. Except for the metalwork around his hands and mouth, he looked like any other hobo in the streets of Manhattan.

Clint slowly lowered his bow when he realised what was so different about Loki's facemask. It didn't just cover his mouth, but also his nose. His chest wasn't rising and falling, not even faintly. Loki wasn't breathing.

'Shit,' Clint muttered, making Loki jump. He took out his phone and hesitated. He should call Natasha. If she saw Loki, he'd be dead before he even realised she was there. Maybe that was the best for all of them. Than he thought he'd better call Thor, but Thor had electrocuted his last phone and Clint wasn't sure if he had known about this all along or if he'd be just as surprised as Clint was to see his brother on earth in this state. He could imagine Thor's rage if he didn't know and he didn't want to think about what would happen if he did know. Eventually he dialled Tony's number, because he'd never try to kill Loki or judge Clint for wanting to save him. He'd know what to do. He'd help.

Tony arrived in less than six minutes. The only thing he had said over the phone was 'I'm on my way.' Clint hadn't even gotten the chance to finish his sentence before Tony ended the conversation. He smiled at Clint when he opened door of the shiny blue car he was driving today. 'Thank you. You've just saved me from the dullest meeting ever. They wanted -'

'How did you find me?', Clint asked before Tony could annoy him too much. 'It's not that you really gave me the chance to say where I was over the phone.'  
Tony's smile turned into a smug grin. 'I hacked S.H.I.E.L.D.'s tacking system. They put some stupid device on your favourite bow, in case you hadn't noticed yet. But now tell me why I'm here, before I get bored again.'

Clint sighed. 'Are you armed?' He scanned Tony's fancy suit the way he scanned every passer-by's clothing, even after the months it had been since his last mission, but he didn't see any hidden gun or knife.

Tony frowned. 'No. Am I supposed to be?' He started to turn back to his car. 'I think -'

'No,' Clint said quickly. 'Just wanted to make sure you couldn't kill anyone in less than a half minute. I've found Loki, and killing him now would be pretty sissy, since he is in no condition to defend himself.'

Tony's eyes widened. 'You found Loki, as in Thor's crazy evil little brother that tried to take over Manhattan?'

'I wouldn't call him little, he's way taller than you, you know.' Clint smiled weakly. It was supposed to be a joke - he always liked to remind Tony that he was smaller than just about everyone -, but it wasn't really funny at all, not now.

Tony studied him for a moment, worry etched in his features. Then he looked around. 'Where is he?' He walked further down the alleyway when Clint pointed that way and cursed when he saw Loki. 'Do you think this is how they punished him in Asgard?', he asked softly, sounding unusually careful for Tony.

'I hope it isn't because I don’t think even you have invented anything that can cut through Asgardian steel.'

Tony looked up at him with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. 'Don't underestimate me. I’m a man of many talents.'


	2. Chapter 2

Clint put away his bow and kneeled next to Loki. 'Loki,' he said softly. 'Loki, can you hear me?'

Loki shook his head, his eyes shut firmly.

'I'll have to lift you to get you into the car, or do you think you can walk?', Clint said in his most soothing tone, which still wasn't really soothing at all.

Loki shook his head again, more out of panic than as a negation. He lifted a hand, as too ward off Clint and his spread arms. It was trembling uncontrollably and the glove seemed heavy, dragging Loki's arm down.

Clint sighed and put his arms under Loki's back and knees, lifting him easily. He was skinnier than Clint had expected him to be and it made him wonder when Loki had eaten for the last time. He shuddered as he thought of blue memories. He had been at Loki's side day and night, but he didn't remember seeing him eat any more than an apple or two and after going back to Asgard, he couldn't have eaten anything either.

Loki opened his eyes, staring at Clint in horror as he carried him to the car. He tried to hit Clint with his gloved hands, but he barely had the strength to lift them. Then he put a hand on Clint's shoulder and his features smoothed out in a concentrated frown. The metal of his gloves started to glow, making a soft hissing noise against Clint’s skin. The determination in Loki's eyes faded in a fraction of a second. He had intended to hurt Clint with the white hot metal, but it hurt himself too much. After a few seconds the glove cooled down again, leaving a five fingertip-shaped burns on Clint's bare upper arm. Loki closed his eyes and rested his head against Clint's chest, his body shaking as he sobbed soundlessly.

Clint gently laid him down on the backseats of the car, closed the door and sat down in the passenger seat. Tony started the car and they drove off to Avenger Tower.

'I don't think we should tell the rest,' Clint said after a silence.

Tony nodded, eyes on the road. 'But we should tell Fury. He still manages to hack our security cameras every now and then and I don't want him invading my tower because he is trying to save us from world's most dangerous villain.' He looked in the rear view mirror with eyes full of compassion, the sarcasm in his tone sounding weak.

'Maybe we should,' Clint agreed. He almost wanted to suggest to tell Coulson first, because he could always explain everything the right way when it came to Fury. But Coulson was dead and there was no use in thinking about him and making himself upset when there were people around to see him break, so he locked the thought away for when he was alone.

'Do you think Thor knows?', he asked softly, hoping Loki wouldn't hear him, but he did, because he opened his eyes and looked at Clint through the rear view mirror, an unspoken question in his eyes.

Tony remained silent for a few seconds. 'Do you remember the day he came back from Asgard? He wasn't really our favourite happy demigod, was he? He threw his hammer right through one of the TVs in the lobby, and if I recall correctly they were broadcasting the news of Loki returning to Asgard.'

'And when you showed him his rooms, he didn't leave them until breakfast, two days later. It could have had something to do with Loki's punishment,' Clint finished. 'Should we ask him about it?'

'Not yet,' was Tony's answer. 'But we won't be able to keep Loki hidden forever.'

Clint nodded. 'Tony? What they did to him was pretty bad. When I picked him up, I think he tried to use his magic to get away. The gloves glowed as if he'd held them in a fire. If that's what happens to the mask if he tries to use a spell...' His voice faltered. He didn't even want to think about it.

Tony didn't say anything, but he started to drive faster and ignored the next five stop signs and red lights. They were at the Tower in less than a minute. Tony looked at him after he'd parked the car between all other expensive-looking vehicles in the garage. 'You take Loki to the lab on my floor, okay? It's barely used, but Bruce never comes there, so there's little chance he'll see Loki and Hulk-out. I'm going to the lab on the floor above to get some stuff, but don't wait for me, okay? Just make him comfortable and go do whatever you were planning to do before you found him. If anyone asks you where I am, tell them I met Hammer in some club and he took me home or something, that's so disgusting they won't ask anything about it in the morning. Jarvis'll keep you informed about Loki's condition.'

Clint nodded and took Loki's limp body out of the car. He stepped into one of the lifts and pressed the button of Tony's floor. It didn't take long to get there and he easily found the lab, just because he was a trained spy and he was used to looking for the right room in a hallway full of doors. He laid Loki down on one of the cots that were placed against one wall and looked around for a blanket. Eventually he found one in a closet of one of the guest rooms and draped it over Loki's motionless body. And then he heard something: a metallic tapping noise caused by Loki's gloved hand. It was always the same pattern of long and short taps and it took Clint a few seconds to realise it was Morse code. It took another couple of seconds to understand the message. _Kill me, kill me, kill me..._

Clint smiled sadly at Loki, who had opened his eyes. There was no pain, fear or anger in them, only an empty darkness. 'You're a god, Loki. Even if we wanted you to die, you can't.'

He tapped another word while Clint turned around and walked towards the door. _Please._

Clint stopped with his hand on the door handle. Maybe he had misunderstood. But when Loki repeated the series of taps, it was still the same word he heard. That was impossible. Loki never begged. He hadn't when Tony had threatened him, when Hulk had thrown him around as if he was a doll or when he had been knocked out, surrounded by the Avengers and one of Clint's arrows pointing at his eye. He hadn't even begged when Thor had taken him back to Asgard, even though he had known what was waiting for him there.

Clint sighed and shut the door behind him. He was surprised by how hard it was to do that and ignore Loki's order. Some part of him remembered the enchantment from Loki's sceptre, the blue memories, and still felt the urge to obey to everything Loki ordered. But he wouldn't obey to this order, he promised himself.


	3. Chapter 3

_Clint's vision was blue._

_All around him people were working on the Chitauri portal, but all Clint had to do was stay by Loki's side and see if none of the people that had come to Loki voluntarily were having second thoughts._

_After a while, Loki walked up to him and said: 'You might know the girl that is hiding in the darkness above us. She has been here for a couple of minutes now, using the valves and ducts to move to the exact place we are standing at the moment. Her name is Junior Agent Ellen Murray and she believes her position up that high, and above all that metalwork is going to keep her safe, but I've heard distance nor any other obstacle can stop your arrows, Clint. I suppose you know what to do.'_

'Sir, Mr. Stark reports that most of Loki's injuries are healing well. He is fast asleep and Mr. Stark has already managed to file off the first glove. He is currently working on the next one. They appear to be made out of lead, without any magic used.'

Clint shot up when he heard Jarvis' mechanic voice. He hadn't realised he had fallen asleep on one of the couches in one of the living rooms on his floor and rubbed his eyes, moving into a more comfortable position. For a moment he wondered if Jarvis knew he had woken him up right before the nightmare got bad, but then he processed his words. 'What do you mean by _most_ of his injuries, Jarvis?', he asked, his voice hoarse from sleeping.

It took a moment before Jarvis answered, as if he was asking Tony for the answer. 'Loki's hands are severely burned and Mr. Stark hasn't had the chance to check for any internal damage yet,' Jarvis replied calmly.

Clint looked around. Through the floor-to-ceiling window he could see New York, the sun half-hidden behind the tall buildings. 'What time is it?'  
'It's five fifty-three in the morning, Sir. You have slept for approximately six hours.'

Clint stood up yawned as he crossed the room and stepped into the lift. 'Tell Tony I'm coming to the lab, okay?', he said, stretching his arms.  
'Of course, Sir.'

When Clint opened the door to the lab, Tony was bent over Loki's left hand with some kind of electrical tool. For once, there was no music blasting through the speakers in the corners, only the noise of the tool to fill up the silence. Clint frowned, not even surprised that he was worried. The sight of Loki barely even scared him, and the panic that did crawl around in his belly was easy to ignore. It was probably because Loki looked like he was already dead, but Clint could see the muscles in his right arm move as he tried to lift it, see his eyelids flutter and his head move up whenever the sound of the tool got to loud, as if he was afraid Tony was going to chop of his arm. Clint was a little afraid himself, seeing how close the blade came to Loki's battered skin every time Tony moved a little. 'Are you sure you won't hurt him with that thing?'

Tony's expression was grim. 'I don't think there's much left to hurt,' he said softly, pointing at Loki's other hand with his free hand. It was thickly bandaged, but that said enough. 'It's burned... _beyond_ third degree. I hope that means he heals fast, because there shouldn't be much more left than ashes if the metal really got that hot. The other wounds became scars overnight, and they are already fading. I hope any possible internal damage will heal like that too, but I'll still have to check. As for the facemask... I can't file it away the way I filed the glove off, not so close to his face. Can you get Bruce for me? I can feed Loki with this thing,' He pulled at a small tube leading from a bag filled with liquid to Loki's wrist. 'but Bruce'll have to help me with the oxygen and maybe he knows how we can get the facemask of. Try to prepare him a little, okay? I don't think this lab is Hulk-proof, and I don't want to find out,' he rattled.

As Tony talked, Clint walked over to Loki, stretching an arm to run his fingers across Loki's skin. He stiffened for a moment, but didn't open his eyes to see who it was, probably already knew, and relaxed into the touch. Clint sighed when he stepped back, and Loki turned his head away. Tony's eyes seemed pitiful when he looked at Clint, but he tried not to think of that for too long. Instead he straightened and turned back to the lift. 'Jarvis, where is Bruce?' He turned around to glimpse at Loki for the last time, but the doors were already sliding shut and Loki was still looking away. He didn't know why that hurt. Any loyalty Loki's sceptre had forced into him was supposed to be gone, every string that had attached him to Loki cut.

'He is in the lab on the next floor, Sir.' 

Clint pushed the button to the next floor, took out his pills and swallowed two of them, making the panic vanish. Until the lift opened he was too busy imagining the look of disapproval Natasha would give him if she ever knew about his medication and trying not to think of Coulson to give Loki any more thought.

The doors of the lift slid open to reveal Bruce and Tony's lab-slash-workshop. He had been there a few times before, but still thought it looked odd that some tables' surfaces where filled with neat piles of notes and paperwork, microscopes and dark vials while others were littered with blueprints, bottles of booze and scrap metal.

Bruce was sitting on one of the couches that seemed to be randomly put between the tables and looked up from the file he was reading when he heard the lift. 'Oh, hey, Clint. Jarvis said you were coming. Is there something wrong?', he asked standing up and putting the file aside.

Clint tried to smile. 'No, nothing to worry about. It's just that Tony needs your help with something, but you know, it's kinda strange.'

Bruce nodded, interested. 'I can handle strange.'

'Well... we found Loki in some alley in the city. He wore these metal gloves and some kind of facemask to block out his magic. When he tried to use it anyway, the metal got so hot it burned him and the mask prevents him from breathing. The only reason he's still alive is because he's a god, I think. Tony has filed of the gloves, but he needs your help for the mask... If you want to help, of course,' he added awkwardly.

Bruce frowned. 'I thought Loki was locked up in Asgard?'

'Odin lied to Thor or Thor lied to us, because Loki is right here in the Tower.'

Bruce remained silent for a long time and for a moment Clint was afraid he would ask why, why Clint would want to help Loki after what he'd done, and he didn't think he could answer that question.

Then Bruce smiled a little and said: 'Okay, I'll help.'


	4. Chapter 4

Only an hour after Clint had gone looking for Bruce, he and Tony sat down at the kitchen table on the common floor. Bruce was the only one that wasn't there. Natasha, Thor and Steve thought he was sleeping in because he had stayed up late to work on some project, but he was just staying with Loki. The three of them weren't sure how he really felt, and they didn't know what could happen if they left him alone. The mask was still there, blocking out every kind of readable facial expression or sound and the uncovered part of his face didn't say much. He could try to use his eyes to communicate, but the time Bruce had tried to make him 'blink twice if it's yes, once if it's no', he had stopped blinking for a half an hour.

Both gloves were gone now, and so were most of the injuries, except for the burns, that had somehow healed to something that looked more like second degree than third. The X-ray had showed there was nothing wrong with Loki's internal organs, even his lungs were fine, even though they were almost empty. They had brought Loki to the lab-floor, where there was more space and more medical devices. Bruce and Tony had managed to give him food and oxygen and Clint thought he looked a little less pale. He just wished Loki would stop asking him to kill him every second they were alone.

'Hey Thor,' Tony said suddenly. 'Can you die?'

Clint slowly straightened in his chair and hoped Tony wasn't going to say anything stupid. Natasha snorted loudly next to him, Steve frowned and Thor smiled. 'I don't think so. Why would you ask?'

Tony shrugged. 'Just wondering. I read your SHIELD Medical file, but they didn't seem to know much about you. I wanted to know if you knew just as little, or had just kept some of the information from them.' Before anyone could say something on that, Tony shot another question at him. 'What happens when you stop breathing?'

'The same thing that happens to everyone if they stop breathing, only I am less likely to die from it.'

'So It's not that your body magically doesn't notice it's not getting enough oxygen?'

Thor laughed. 'No, like you just said, you need magic for that, and I only know one person strong -' He stopped abruptly.

'Speaking of Loki,' Tony continued as if Thor didn't look like he could level Avengers Tower with a lightning bolt at any moment. 'Do you know where he is?'

'He is locked up in Asgard,' Thor said trough gritted teeth.

'Are you -', Tony started, but he was interrupted by Clint.

'Shut up, Tony.'

Tony glared at him and opened his mouth to throw something back at Clint, but was interrupted again, by Jarvis this time.

'Sir, Mr. Banner needs your assistance on the science floor as fast as possible. He would like to emphasize it's urgent.'

Clint shot up and was at the door before Tony had even set down his mug. 'What are you doing, Clint?', he asked. 'Sit down. You aren't going anywhere.'

Clint looked at him, his hand on the doorknob. 'And you are going to stop me? You'll need your suit for that.' He opened the doors and walked away, towards the lift. Natasha asked something, and so did Steve, but Clint wasn't paying attention and he could hear Tony take care of it. That gave him a head start, but Tony caught up with him anyway and grabbed his arm. 'You've done enough, Clint,' he hissed. 'Go eat something, do a workout with Nat, go to the shooting range... We don't need your help anymore.'

'I'm not doing this for you, Tony,' was all Clint said before he yanked his arm out of Tony's grip and pushed the button of the lift. Tony followed him.

'Jarvis, tell Bruce we'll be there in a half minute,' Tony said, ignoring Clint.

As soon as the doors of the lift slid open at the lab-floor, they jogged towards the separate room where Loki stayed now, his bed placed by the wall that fully consisted of glass so he could look out over the city.

Tony cursed loudly when the door slid open, while Clint got really quiet. He stayed at the door while Tony ran towards the cot to help Bruce and suddenly felt totally useless. He was sure he remembered how to treat wounds like that, but is all slipped away when he saw Loki. He looked like he was sleeping soundly, eyes shut and face peaceful, but a big cut ran across his forehead, and dozens of others covered his whole body, blood gushing out of them and soaking the sheets and the bandages Bruce had already managed to secure.

'What the fuck happened?', Tony asked while he tried to bandage up Loki's wrist.

Bruce was trying to stop the bleeding of a big cut in Loki's throat, but it only seemed to get worse. 'I don't know. I was getting a new infusion and when I came back the cuts were everywhere,' he said.

The bleeding lasted for almost ten minutes before it finally slowed down until only a few drops still seeped out of some bigger cuts. Bruce sighed and slumped against the wall. 'He can't have much blood left, I'm afraid,' he said softly. taking a deep breath and starting to secure new bandages.

'I'm sure I'll be able to get my hands on some,' Tony said with a weak, relieved smile. 'Jarvis, can you contact our favourite doctor -what was her name again? Cara?-'

'Jennifer, Sir. I'll contact her right away.'

And between everything that happened, Clint noticed a slightly familiar sound. Morse. He recognised the words immediately, had heard them too much already. _Kill me. Kill me. Kill me_.

'No,' Clint said, suddenly regaining his voice. Loki opened his eyes and turned his head to look at him. He walked over to Loki's bed. 'Forget it. Even if we could, even if we _wanted to_. You are not dying, do you hear me? And I won't let you play with us like this, either.' Loki frowned at him with and innocent, unimpressed and somehow challenging and arrogant look that made Clint want to punch him. He bent over Loki's cot to bring their faces closer to each other and put his hands on either side of Loki's head, occasionally shaking the pillow the strengthen his words. 'You're a selfish asshole, you know that? If Fury had found you, you'd be somewhere in SHIELD Medical right now, where they would do sick experiments on you since you're no longer a threat to us. Maybe Thor would send you back to Asgard,' Loki's eyes widened in fear and anger. 'and the punishment you would get would be even worse the one you've got now. Others would have humiliated you, hurt you and used you, but we took you in. We fucking gave your body a chance to heal and kept you safe, and I won't let you be as unthankful as you are now. If you really want to die so bad, you can see being kept alive as a punishment. You don't deserve to die anymore. You can't leave this life until you've realised how much it's worth, and then you won't want to leave anymore. Now go to sleep and if you pull another stunt like that, I'll get Thor.'

Clint turned around without waiting for Loki's reaction and walked out of the room, completely ignoring Bruce and Tony.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I'm late, but here's some Clintasha to make up for it. x

Clint did what Tony had wanted him to do in the first place after he came to tell him that Loki was fine and still healing well. He didn't even know why Tony had climbed all the way up to the 'nest' he had made Clint when building his floor, or why he had spoken softly, without the usual amount of sarcasm. Even thinking about the possibility that Tony was feeling sorry for him, for whatever reason, really pissed him of.

That was why he had told Tony he was going to the gym-floor and figured he should really go there, since he still had to be in good shape, even though SHIELD didn't send him on missions anymore and the Avengers hadn't been all that busy since New York. He didn't have any superpowers or technology to rely on. Being in shape was the only way he could feel safe.

He should be worried about the fact that he didn't feel like he should do much more than his usual work out, while one of the biggest threats he had ever faced, someone that was supposed to his worst enemy and biggest fear, was only a few floors away. Usually, when he or his loved ones were in danger, he would spend all the time he didn't spend keeping an eye on his enemies or making sure his friends were safe, training in the gym, making sure he could do whatever necessary to protect himself and the ones he loved. 

Even under Loki's control, he had still felt the urge to be as quick and strong as he could possibly be, and first, Loki had let him work out as much as he wanted, until he realised how frustrated Clint was because the sceptre was something he couldn't fight. He had forced Clint to rest when Clint couldn't stop fighting anymore, and he still didn't know if Loki had done that to protect Clint or to protect himself.

At first, he felt a little strange holding his bow and pointing the arrow at the bright blue holograms that flew through the shooting range. His shots were still perfect, according to Jarvis' statistics, but he didn't feel that burning desire only revenge could satisfy anymore, the fury of the past few months was fully out of his system, so suddenly he felt a little disorientated. He used to imagine Loki and his Chitauri being hit by his arrows, falling to the ground and shattering like ice. Now he only saw the holograms, dissolving into thin air the way Tony had programmed them to. His grudge against Loki seemed to be gone, though that didn't make any sense.

After about a half an hour the door opened behind him, even though he didn't hear anything. Before he even realized what was going on, his bow was at the other side of the room and Natasha had one hand on his throat and his hair in the other. She pushed her hand down on his skin as if it was a knife and he knew he would've been dead if it had been one. 'You're getting rusty,' she said before letting him go.

'Just distracted,' he said. He tackled her and ducked when she swung a fist at him. They were dancing rather than fighting, dodging each other’s half-hearted blows in a slow, almost lazy rhythm.

'Loki is right here in this building, and you seem calm. You haven't even thought about taking those stupid pills in days,' she said after a while, barely breaking a sweat.

She wasn't supposed to know about Loki, or about the pills, but of course she did. Nat never missed anything, and Clint hadn't exactly tried hard to keep things from her. 'He isn't even breathing,' he said. 'And he doesn't want to hurt any of us, not anymore.'

'Do you trust him?', she asked, her hand brushing his cheek when Clint grabbed her arm to stop her fist from connecting with his face. 

He let go of her and stepped back before attacking again. It took a while before he finally found the strength to answer that question. 'Yes,' he said. 'I would have even without the sceptre.'

'He was going to make you kill me, Clint. _He was going to kill you_ ,' she said, her voice trembling slightly at the end of the last sentence.

'I know,' he said softly, even though he doubted Loki had ever even considered killing him. 'He told me. That's why I trust him. He doesn't tell us he's changed, doesn't try to make us believe he doesn't mean any harm. He isn't a liar.'

Their dance abruptly stopped when Nat stepped back to look at him. She caught his fist in her hand when he swung at her, and didn't let go. 'By trusting him you mean...'

'That if he would ask me for a knife and would tell me he wouldn't try to kill anyone with it, I would give it to him.' Of course that would never happen, because Loki wouldn't promise not to kill himself.

She frowned and let go of his hand. 'He killed Phil,' she said softly. 'How can you trust him after that?' She sounded hurt.

Clint closed his eyes. 'Don't do this, Nat. Please,' he whispered, because this wasn't about Loki anymore, and it wasn't her business, either.

He heard her sigh and felt her hand stroke his neck. 'You can't keep telling yourself he's coming back forever.'

He opened his eyes again, but didn't look at her. He just turned around and walked away, and for a moment he taught she wouldn't stop him. Then she said: 'Do you think he killed Phil because of you?', and he stopped walking.

'Phil was in his way,' he said through gritted teeth.

'Phil loved you, and you loved him. He's the reason you would never be truly loyal to Loki, so Loki eliminated him.'

Clint turned around. 'And I love you, too, Nat. Is that what you're trying to say?'

She nodded. 'I'm next, you know that.'

He shook his head. 'He's not gonna hurt you. I won't let him.'

She smiled sadly and hugged him. 'The thing it that I'm not sure I would really mind,' she whispered, her lips touching his ear. Her voice was so soft that it felt like she was only meant for him, even if it was just in that moment. 'You seem to believe in him, somehow, and I think he really loves you. I've tried for years to make you happy, Clint, and maybe, by letting Loki in, I will finally succeed.'

'You mean you want me to be with him?', he asked softly, trying not to think of that idea for to long.

'If that's what you want,' she said. 'I won't stand in your way.' Before he could even process what she had said, the door fell shut behind her.


	6. Chapter 6

That night it was Clint's turn to stay with Loki. He sat down in the chair next to the cot and decided that he would sleep tomorrow and could just watch a movie or something. If Loki could Sectumsempra himself out of nowhere, he had to be awake and ready to stop him from doing something stupid like that again. 

Well, that was one part of the reason, at least. The other part was that he just couldn't wake up sweating and shuddering from another blue nightmare when Loki could see him. He wouldn't show how weak he was, wouldn't let Loki know he still hadn't recovered. He shook some pills out of a little pot - not even counting how many - and swallowed them with a bit of water. They were supposed to stop panic attacks, and he hadn't needed them for almost a week now, but he wanted to be sure Loki would never see him break down.

He sat there, watching some stupid comedy that couldn't possibly trigger any memories he didn't want to think about on a Starkpad in the dark while Loki pretended to be asleep and he wondered why he wasn't as scared as he should be. Loki would've made Clint kill all of the Avengers if he had gotten the chance, had made him kill a lot of other people, and now they were alone in one room, for the first time in months, and Clint only felt a little uncomfortable.

_'If you find any of them, make sure they can't escape and finish your mission. Afterwards, you can take you time. You can kill them in whatever way you want, but let it be painful. In Banner's case you should make it quick, make sure his heart stops beating before he gets the chance to Hulk-out. If you find Romanoff or Coulson, do it slowly, intimately, in every way you know they fear. Talk to them meanwhile, tell them about old memories and things you know about them, just so they know it's really you, and not some possessed body.'_

He tried to focus on the movie, but the silent figure beside him kept distracting him. Loki seemed to notice and, with his eyes still closed, he put his hand on Clint's upper arm. Clint tried to pull away, but Loki shook his head and held his arm surprisingly tight, even though the burns still weren't completely healed. His hand was unnaturally cold and the freezing feeling spread across Clint's skin, like he was slowly sinking in ice-water. ' _That's long ago_ ,' he heard in his mind. It was Loki's voice.

'What the fuck!' Clint tried to pull away again, harder, but Loki didn't let him go.

' _Mind your language, Clint. It's rude to curse in the presence of a god, even if he's hated in and banished from multiple realms. Don't look so surprised, I still have magic, and this is not the first conversation we have like this_.' He opened his eyes.

'You never had to touch me to talk to me like that!', Clint called out, too shocked to control his voice. He laid the Starkpad down on the table next to him, knowing it would slip out of his trembling hands if he tried to hold it any longer.

Loki's eyes fluttered close for a second, like he was tired. ' _But back then I wasn't weakened like this. I could even talk trough my mouth if I wanted to, but look at me now_.' He lifted a heavy, trembling arm to touch the metal mask. ' _Loki, God of Mischief and Prince of Asgard, son of Laufey and rightful heir to Jotunheim, unable to speak or pronounce spells, exiled to Midgard and let down by everyone who once swore to love him, taken in by his worst enemies and drowning in self-loathing. How come you still fear me, Clint Barton, or is it only what I used to be that scares you? All there's left is a shadow, and shadows can't touch you_.'

The screen of the Starkpad darkened and went completely black, leaving them in the darkness, as if it wanted to point out that Clint, too, was no more than a shadow.

Clint shook his head faintly. He must've fallen asleep and this was no more than a bad dream. Those green eyes weren't really looking at him, that cold hand wasn't really resting on his arm and that voice hadn't intruded his mind. If he opened his eyes it would all be over, just like the unusual amount of panic that hit him like a tsunami, dragging him down to drown in the waves of another panic attack. It was impossible for him to have a panic attack, was his first thought. But maybe taking too many pills reversed the effect, or Loki's touch made the chemicals vanish.

'Why are you saying this?', he asked, feeling like he was choking on the words.

' _I'm just trying to help you, Clint. That's what I've been doing all the time. I thought I was on the winning side, and I didn't want to be forced to kill you after my victory, just because you had lost. I wanted you to rule by my side._ '

Clint tried not to look at those eyes, but they seemed to attract his gaze like magnets and eventually he wasn't able to look away anymore. 'I suppose making me kill my friends was just another way of helping me, then.'

' _Of course it was. You love Natasha Romanoff and Phil Coulson and I'm sure you are starting to love Bruce Banner, Tony Stark, Steve Rogers and my dear brother Thor, too. Loving always hurts, Clint, I'm sure you know that by now, but I could change that. We could live forever and I would never leave your side. You and I, we can be lovers, Clint, if you just give me a chance._ '

'You threw your only chance away when you stabbed Phil in the back. You could have given up, left us in peace. You could have joined us, even. we would have let you. But now... If you were mortal, I would have killed you when I found you in that alley.'

His eyes narrowed in a mocking kind of suspicion. ' _Would you_?' Something that sounded like a laugh echoed through Clint's mind and Loki shook his head. ' _I don't think so. You need me, Clint. You miss me. After Coulson's dead and ever since you left me, you have kept your distance from Romanoff. You know she'll leave you like Coulson did, you know I'm the only one who can love you forever_.'

Clint closed his eyes. _Wake up, wake up. This is just a bad dream, Wake up_ , he kept telling himself.

Loki's eyes drifted to the door. ' _Just think about it, Clint,_ ' was all he said. His hand slipped away and took the cold feeling and the panic with him. He closed his eyes and pretended to be asleep like nothing had happened.

And then someone opened the door and the nightmare seemed to be over, even though Loki was still there.


	7. Chapter 7

Clint stood up. 'Natasha,' he whispered. He forced himself to look calm, to stop trembling, but he couldn't hide anything from Nat. Her eyes were full of worry as she studies him. 'You are coming with me, Clint. You need to sleep.' And then louder: 'Jarvis, can you please tell Tony to get here immediately? and don't say he's sleeping, because I know he's in his workshop.'

'Of course, Madam.'

It only took Tony a half minute to get there. He just nodded after taking one look at Clint and sat down next to Loki without saying anything, which was extremely unusual for Tony.

Natasha took Clint's arm and carefully lead him to the lift. 'You look like you're about to faint. Do you feel like that, too?', she asked and the worry in her tone made her sound vulnerable. It was a tone she only used when they were alone, because only he could know that she could actually care about people like that, because she mostly cared about him.

'I don't think so,' he said, but it sounded like someone else was talking.

She nodded. 'Good.'

They remained silent for a long time, until Clint broke the silence on his floor, while she was walking him to his room, still holding out her arm to support him. 'Do you love me?', he asked, stopping her from walking any further and turning to face her. His voice sounded so far away, and the space around him started to fade, until a blurry image of Natasha was all that was left.

That question seemed to surprise her, maybe even scare her, somehow. 'Why would you ask?', she asked carefully.

Sometimes his vision cleared, showing a detail in perfect quality and leaving the rest as vague as it was before. First it was her throat, moving when she swallowed.

'Because I want to know,' his voice was calm, but that was not how he felt.

'But you already know, don't you?' Her mouth became smaller for a brief second when she pursed her lips to wet them with her tongue.

'You never told me you loved me. I always assumed it, but I want to hear you say it.' He was in the middle of some kind of strange - even for him - mental breakdown and his voice was the only thing that sounded controlled, even though he didn't feel like he was controlling it. He had wanted to ask that question long ago, but he had never been cruel enough. Now part of him felt like he had no choice, like this was the only way, and that part had taken over.

Her eyelashes softly touched her pale skin as she blinked. 'I love you,' she said, her voice shaking slightly. He wondered if it frightened her to know that she loved him in one way, and he loved her in another, that he would always be stronger than her, just because she loved him more.

'As in making love and being romantic and all?', he asked.

She nodded slowly. 'But you already knew that, too, just like I already knew that you love me like a sister or a best friend, that you might be bisexual and might have been in love with Coulson... We've had this conversation, Clint, so why are we having it again? Is it Loki? Is it something he did?'

He shook his head, wondering if she wanted to kill Loki.

He slowly brought his face closer to hers. 'We could try, you know. We could make this work.' Their lips brushed together, but it wasn't really a kiss yet, not until he was sure she was okay with this.

Her eyes fluttered shut for a moment. 'You know that's not true, Clint. We always mess everything up, that's what we do,' she whispered against his lips, unable to put any space between them. She was so close to what she wanted, but it still felt like it was miles away, so far out of her reach that she shouldn't even try to grasp for it.

'Negative plus negative is positive. Maybe we mess it up with others, but not with each other.' He lifted his hand to brush her cheek.

She put her hand on his, leaning in to his touch. She was silent for a long time, her eyes reading his. 'You're trying to run away from something. Nothing has changed, you still don't want me like that, but for some reason wanting me like that could help you now... The question is: is the guilt you'll feel after using me like this going to be worth whatever it is that you'll gain from it?'

'If I learn to want you like that, there wouldn't be a reason to feel guilty,' he whispered. He took her hand and they finally broke apart. 'I just want to fall asleep with you in my arms, Nat. Let's pretend we're normal for one night. Let's pretend we met in high school and fell in love between cheap dates and studying together, let's pretend you were my prom date and I carved our names in some poor tree, let's pretend we lost our virginity to each other and moved in together after graduating, let's pretend we're ready to get married by now, and I just haven't asked you yet. Let's pretend we're okay,' he said softly, his voice breaking for the first time. 'Let's pretend were happy, even if it's only for one night.' 

Natasha pulled them into his bedroom, ignoring the stinging tears in her eyes.


	8. Chapter 8

Clint woke up late the next morning, his arms wrapped around Natasha's waist, her head resting on his shoulder. He had woken up from a nightmare in the middle of the night, but it had seemed way less scary when he woke up and Natasha was there to tell him everything was okay. It was the first time since Loki that he had been calm enough to go back to sleep after that and also the first time he felt properly rested when he woke up.

Natasha was already awake, looking at his peaceful face with a small smile gracing her lips. 'Hey,' he said softly, his voice hoarse. He pushed a red curl that had fallen in front of her face behind her ear. 'Am I supposed to say something sweet, or can we skip that part?'

She laughed softly. He saw that her eyes drifted to his lips for a second, but Natasha Romanoff, the bravest person he'd ever known, didn't have the courage to kiss him. Her smile faded. 'We should go to the kitchen before they get suspicious.' She took his hand and pulled him out of bed.

When Clint looked around at the breakfast table on the main floor, everyone was there, except for Steve. Clint didn't sit down, even when Natasha tugged at his shirt en muttered something that sounded a lot like a plea. 'I thought there had to be someone guarding that experiment of yours every second of the day?' he asked, looking at Tony.

'Yes,' Tony said. 'And it's Rogers' turn, since he offered to help. You're on in a couple of hours, so just sit down and have a pancake. I don't think you're eating enough.' He smiled at Clint, a warning look in his eyes. They tried to say the same thing Natasha was still muttering to him. _Not here, not now. Thor isn't stupid. He already knows we're hiding something. Don't make him want to find out what it is._

Clint turned around and jogged of, both Bruce and Tony calling after him. He heard Tony say something to Natasha, or maybe Bruce, heard a chair being shoved back. Someone followed him, but the lift shut before they could get in. He was in Loki's room before he even realised it, looking at Steve sitting in a corner and reading some SHIELD-file.

He looked up when Clint entered. 'Get out. It's my turn.'

Steve maybe looked a little offended as he stood up and walked out of the door, but he didn’t argue. Clint took his place in the chair and turned to Loki.

'Do you ever really sleep, or do you just pretend all the time?', he asked, looking away again as soon as Loki opened his eyes.

' _I sleep when Bruce or Tony is here. They are far less interesting than you are and if Tony notices I'm awake he tries to start a conversation. Capitan Rogers talked to me, too, and I allowed it, because he was actually trying to understand why I did all of this. Now that I don't have to provide oxygen myself, my powers have gotten the chance to restore. I don't have to touch people to talk to them, if I'm well rested, but he still felt uncomfortable, or maybe that was because of my answers_.'

'What did you tell him?', Clint asked carefully.

' _Do you really want to know, Clint? Do you want to know why I killed one hundred and twenty six of your kind and destroyed half of one of your most important cities?_ '

Clint nodded, not sure if that was true.

Loki remained silent for a long time, staring up at the ceiling. When he spoke again, all amusement had drained from his voice and he just sounded tired. ' _You should know that nothing I ever had wasn't Thor's, too. We didn't share fairly of course. He got most of the love and the admiration, and that's all a child ever needs, isn't it? I was left to rot in his shadow for centuries, but then he was banished, and it felt like I saw the sun for the first time. It was only a glimpse, but I wanted more, and I could finally see a way to get it. And then Thor took it away from me. I could live with that. I would just go back to my spot in the shadow, and maybe, in another thousand years, I would snap again, but that was before..._ ' His eyes crinkled and something that could've been a laugh echoed bitterly through Clint's mind. ' _I had believed for so long that everything Thor had was mine, too. And then I discovered that Odin and Frigga weren't my parents. My family, my rights... It all slipped away from me._

' _There was a moment, when I was hanging from a broken bridge and Thor was trying to pull me back up. I would've let him if I didn't know, and when I look back now, I wish I had, but I didn't. I fell. I made him believe I was dead. I almost believed it myself._ ' He closed his eyes. ' _I had nothing and I was all alone. The Chitauri weren't a good choice, but they were the only one I had and they wanted to destroy Thor's beloved Midgard. I was bitter and they could offer me revenge._ '

He opened his eyes again and turned his head to look at Clint. ' _It's a depressing story, isn't it? The Chitauri used my clouded judgement in their favour. I was lonely and desperate, but they couldn't get to Midgard without me. The portal was the only thing they wanted from me. They would've killed me along with the rest of you after my job was done, were killing me already. The only thing they ever allowed me was you. I first saw you when I followed Thor to Midgard during his banishment and I didn't think of you again until I realized you were going to die along with the rest of your species. I didn't want to use the sceptre on you. That was their power, not mine. But it was the only way to protect you from yourself. When Agent Romanoff broke the spell, I wanted to give up the plan, everything. I underestimated your kind, thought you would all die or be enslaved._ ' He shook his head. ' _I couldn't bear even thinking about that happening to you. I didn't understand why, but I wanted to keep you safe._ '

That laugh went through Clint's mind again. ' _And all along I was the one who needed to be protected._ '

They remained silent for a long time, as Clint wondered how much of this he had told Steve, and how much he had kept to himself all this time. 'If your powers are restoring, can you unlock the mask?', Clint asked after what felt like hours.

Loki shook his head. ' _It would make me weaker then I was when you found me. It would take days to recover._ '

'You'll be able to breathe, drink and eat and if anything goes wrong, we'll protect you. I'll keep you safe.'

Loki shook his head. ' _I won't_ feel _safe_ ,' he said. ' _I don't feel safe without my magic. Odin knew that_ ,' he said softly. He didn't need to add the ' _and so does Thor_ '.

'Don't you trust me, Loki? If I say I'll protect you, I mean it. I'll protect you from anyone. Now do it. I know it's hurting you.'

Loki sighed and closed his eyes, resting his hands on the mask. For a half a minute, nothing happened, but then the mask clicked open and unfolded. Loki didn't move.

Clint carefully lifted his head to remove the mask and stroked his hair. 'Go to sleep,' he said. 'I won't leave your side.'


	9. Chapter 9

Tony walked into the room only a half an hour after Clint had sent Steve away. 'What's wrong with you, Clint? You're not going to - How did you get the mask of?' Clint wished he could make a picture of Tony's face and let Bruce hack in to the billboards of Times Square to show it to the world. He was probably the only person that had ever seen Tony Stark surprised like that.

'Loki took it of using his magic. He'll probably be out for a few days, since it cost a lot of his powers, but he'll recover.' Clint had seen Loki exhausted like that before. He had always been the one who had had to watch over him when he was weakened, because he had been the only one Loki trusted.

Tony took a chair and sat down opposite Clint, at the end of Loki's bed. 'Last night, when it was your turn to stay with Loki, Jarvis woke me up to tell me that you might've been having a panic attack. I checked the security cameras and you did look pretty fucking frightened. The only reason why I didn't send anyone to help you was because of what you'd said to him before. You seemed to be able to stand up to him, so I minded my own business and left you alone.

When you told him he wasn't allowed to die you looked kind of angry and that night you seemed scared, so how did we suddenly get to being all friendly and protective?'

'I don't know,' Clint said. 'I've always been protective over him, even if I wasn't ordered to be so. He looks pretty fragile for a god, doesn't he?' Clint was silent for a few moments. 'When I was his...' He tried to come up with the right word before he realised that that was exactly what he had been: Loki's. 'I was still me, you know. The enchantment made me want to obey to every order he gave me, so he had a lot of power over me, but he didn't use it. He blocked out most of the people he had in his control, ordered them to set their personality aside and made them slaves who only had battle strategy and fighting skills in their heads. He never did that to me. He forbade me to kill or hurt him, but he let me hate him. The only thing he ever blocked out was my memory. One night, he made me kill an agent I had trained myself. I should have congratulated her for finding a way in, but instead I put an arrow in her eye. He noticed how much that hurt me and he helped me cope, helped me forget.' 

'Wait,' Tony said, eyes full of disbelief. 'So you still loved Natasha, but if Loki would've told you to kill her, you would've wanted to do that, too?'

Clint bowed his head, suddenly feeling tired. 'That's exactly what happened.'

A disgusted silence fell, in which Tony tried to process what he'd just heard. Finally, he said: 'Okay, go on.'

'I think Loki really means what he says. I think he really loves me in his own way. He looked after me, while he treated the others like slaves. Whenever he noticed I was getting tired, he'd just sit down with me, give me something to eat and tell me a story.' Clint smiled. 'I liked the stories he told me, I liked the conversations we had. Sometimes, in these last few months, I would just think of him and realize I missed him, wonder if Coulson wasn't the only one I'd lost while I was recovering from Loki's enchantment in SHIELD Medical. That's when I realized I'd stopped hating him, and now that he's here...' Clint trailed of. He wasn't sure if he could say that he cared about Loki out loud.

'So how did this resolve into you and Natasha sharing a bed?' Clint was glad Tony took this serious and didn't make some stupid comment about it.

'What he said was so fucking tempting, Tony. I wanted it, to be with him forever, to know that he would never leave me. I still want it. I want to get him out of here and start a new life, just him and I. I want this to be over, this whole mess. I want to forget it all... And that's not how I'm supposed to feel. I should have shot an arrow through his eye the moment I saw him, I should hate him with all my heart. I thought that if I loved Natasha enough, I wouldn't have to choose. It would be her, no question. But now...' He shook his head. 'I just have to fall in love with her before I fall in love with Loki.' He tried not to think of Coulson, not to think of how different things would be is he was still alive. 

'But it's not that easy is it?', Tony said with a small, sad smile.

'I've been tortured for at least ninety full hours of my life and I haven't told any of them a damn thing, so how can this be not easy? It has to be easy.' Clint knew he sounded like a frustrated child, but he frankly couldn't care less.

Tony shook his head. 'You've already fallen for Loki, Clint. Natasha can't do anything about that. You've know her for - how long? - and you've never loved her in a romantic way, which means you probably never will.'

Clint shook his head. 'No,' he muttered. 'No, no, no, no, no. I'm not in love with him!' But he knew Tony was right.

'If you decide to take Loki and leave, I won’t stop you, I promise. I won't help Natasha or SHIELD or anyone who tries to find you, but I won't stop them from doing so, either. I trust that you won't let Loki pull a stunt like that Chitauri-space-portal-mess again, and I believe you when you say he cares about you, but if he hurts you, I'll know about it and I'll make him pay.'

Clint shook his head again, more firmly. 'Don't do this, Tony. Don't make giving in so easy.'

'I thought you wanted the easy way?'

'The easy way _not_ to give in!' For a second, Clint thought he was having another panic attack.

'No such thing, Clint. You know that better than I do. I don't say you have to decide what you'll do now, but you can’t feel like this forever, either.'


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really, really sorry about how long it has been! I just couldn't get this last chapter out right and it didn't seem fair to post something I wasn't happy with myself. Almost three hours ago I realized I could also write this from Loki's POV and I really like what came out, so here it is.

When Loki woke up, Bruce was the first thing he saw. He slowly pushed himself up until he was sitting and looked around. Clint wasn't there. He listened, but didn't hear him anywhere nearby.

Then he realized Bruce was looking at him. 'Good afternoon,' he said. 'How are you feeling?'

Loki considered asking for Clint, but he dismissed that idea quickly. He didn't want to be the desperate lover that was holding on to something that was already gone. He had pushed Clint too hard. If this was the consequence he would bear it like the fallen god he was. 'Can I have some water?', he asked instead.

Bruce smiled slightly and nodded, pouring water in a glass that was set on the nightstand. He handed it to Loki, who dropped it when he recognized the footsteps that were coming their way. The water spilled on the floor and Loki's bed, but didn't matter. It was merely water, after all. The real problem was now standing in the doorway. He wasn't wearing his armour and wasn't holding Mjolnir, but Thor even looked intimidating in the dark blue shirt and jeans he was wearing. Both Bruce and Loki stood up, the latter reaching for weapons that weren't there.

Loki wished he wouldn't feel that familiar dull ache in his chest, that broken fluttering Thor still managed to cause even after all the time that had passed since they were brothers. He should despise Thor, hate him for everything he had done, but every time he tried, the memories came. Of a winged helmet falling in front of Loki's eyes as he pretended to swing around an invisible Mjolnir. Thor's warm laughter as he crouched down to take of the helmet and kissed Loki's forehead, telling him he would be a hero himself one day. The warmth of love and happiness spreading through Loki's small chest, his smile so big it felt as if his cheeks would burst.

Those times were over now, but he would never be able to forget them, would never learn to shut them off so they wouldn't cloud his judgement. Maybe the good memories of Clint would become like that, too, a dull ache that would always be there, the final blow to make him topple every time he climbed high.

'Loki,' Thor said. 'Why have you come here? How -'

Bruce took a step forward. 'We found him,' he said. 'In an alley in the city. His magic was restrained, along with his breathing. He couldn't eat, drink or even properly stand. He was covered in wounds he couldn't take care of and had nowhere to go. We didn't tell you because we weren't sure if you knew, but you don't seem to.' He frowned a little. 'What have you been told?'

While Bruce was talking, Clint came in, but Loki had already turned away, looking out of the window, that took in a whole wall. Even from this far above he could see Natasha Romanoff's curls bounce as she walked away from the Tower. He imagined the moment she would come back, still hours away. By then all of this would be over, whatever the outcome. By then he would be on the run, or on his way to Jotunheim or Asgard with Thor by his side. There wasn't a nice scenario to look forward too, but knowing what would happen to him would be better than this unbearable suspense.

He smiled sadly as he heard Clint say his name. _Too late_ , he thought as his fingertips reached for the cold comfort of the glass in front of him.

Behind him, Thor was saying: 'We sent him to Jotunheim after...' He took a deep breath and started again. ' _Odin_ punished him himself first. They told me he tried to escape while they were on their way to Jotunheim and that they had killed him. I didn't know...' Loki felt Thor's eyes on him and the _too late_ kept echoing through his mind.

'You say Odin as if he was the only one,' Loki said softly, his voice broken and raspy, the way the mask had made it. 'If I recall correctly each of his sons gave him a hand, and I recall every second of those days correctly.' He slowly turned towards Thor, his voice turning venomous, spitting every word at the man that had once been his brother. 'I remember everything, Thor. I remember Balder. I remember Vidar and Vali and Hoder! I remember _you_!' He shouted the last sentence, his anger making the air crackle with magic. 

Thor fell to his knees, roaring in pain.

He heard voices calling his name, telling him to stop, but he didn't want to. There was a weight on his chest where Mjolnir had been, his ears ringing with Thor's screams and the words he had shouted at Loki in the past: 'Lift it! Prove me that you're worthy and I'll let you go.' He felt the knives dig into him, his skin trying to heal around them until Thor twisted the blade and the pain became even worse. He remembered the fire and the ice, so hot and cold it felt as if he had walked through Muspelheim and Niflheim for centuries. He went through all of it again, but it was worth it, because so did Thor. He was kneeling, ironically, and Steve Rogers was crouching next to him, trying to touch his arm but pulling away and crying out in pain when he felt it too, if only for a moment. Clint tried to stop Loki, tried to make him go back to being powerless and terrified, but he couldn't. In the bubble of magic he had created, no one could touch him. He didn't want to go back, didn't want to be afraid anymore. Not when he didn't have Clint to protect him. 

_Too late, too late, too late._

When it was over, minutes later or years, he didn't know, he sighed, as if he could only breathe again now that this was done. 'In case you had forgotten about the part you played in Odin's justice.' He spat the last word at Thor, who had buried his head in his hands, shoulders shaking as he sobbed. 

Steve had a hand on his shoulder. 'What did you do to him?', he asked, looking up at Loki as the latter started to walk towards the door, no one able to stop him.

Loki kept walking and didn't even look at Steve when he spoke. 'He tortured me, and now he felt exactly the same pain. You felt it too when you touched him. You'll remember it for as long as you live, Captain, so think of it the next time you call him a hero.' Then he walked out of the room, Clint as close behind him as he could with the barrier.

'What the fuck, Loki! What's wrong? Why are you doing this?', he called, but Loki ignored him.

He tried again. 'Are you leaving?' They were at the lift now. Loki pushed the button. 'You can't go anywhere without us, Loki. Magic or not, S.H.I.E.L.D. will capture you, and I won't be able to stop them.' The doors slid open. Loki stepped into the lift, but Clint couldn't enter because of the barrier. 'I promise I'll try. If you want to leave now, I'll do anything in my power to protect you, if you just let me,' he pleaded.

He did have a point, and Clint and protection were the only things he wanted now that he could tick of revenge, so he let the barrier down. 'You weren't there,' he said when the doors slid shut behind Clint because he pushed the '1' button. 'I woke up and you promised you'd be there, but you weren't. _You promised_.' His voice broke. The fear was back now. The terrible, terrible fear he had escaped by using his magic again, by letting the power destroy whatever he wanted destroyed. It had brought him up so high, but now he fell back down and he was shattered even more than he had been already. He couldn't hold the pieces together, could only hold his breath while the fear washed over him and made his heart stammer and constrict almost painfully.

Then Clint was muttering softly to him, his arms wrapping around Loki's shoulders, promising safety and love. So he looked up, looked for comfort and found Clint's lips, soft and hesitant and careful. He reached for Clint's cheeks, let his fingertips brush over his face as his lips brushed over Clint's, let them explore, made them remember. When they pulled apart, they were in the lobby. 

Loki finally breathed out and in again. 'I want to go,' he whispered. 'I want to go somewhere no one knows us.' _Where there's no one to fear._ 'Where the people that know us can't find us.' _Where there is no fear._ 'Somewhere safe.' _I want the fear to be gone._ 'With you.' _No fear._ 'Please.' _Please make the fear go away. I don't want to be afraid anymore._

It was a selfish thing of Loki to ask and a selfish thing of Clint to say yes to, but they both did it anyway.


End file.
